I survived Day 4! No thanks to my little guy who gratuitously munched on Cheese-Its while I got high off the fumes. But I didn’t give in, I didn’t even lick his fingers….detox still going!

Let’s celebrate with some fat-free fairytale cheese that is sure to inspire:

Why do I love this so much? I don’t even like the smell of Chanel No 5. I’m more of Chanel Chance kind of a girl, or at the moment a Parfum Cheese-it kind of a girl:

Oh yeah….my favorite movie is Moulin Rouge.

Did they mean to make this commercial so eerily similar? I don’t care, I’m going to watch it again. At the moment I’m a delirious carb-deprived hopeless romantic with a fondness for hot, poor poets and dramatic music. Play it!

(Feeling ever more comfortable and chummy here in this blogosphere, I updated my About page…so, if you want to see more pics of me in wigs go here).

I’m loopy and rhyming,

To pass the timing

Of this very un-fun

Sans-sugar day.

Days one thru three

I experienced glee

And know my body is saying

“Freaking-A!!!!”

Lunch is eggplant:

Subject of rant

Because this veggie taste shit…

“Hooray!”

The higher me

Promises I’ll see

The light if I get thru

This tasteless day

I’d like to slap her

And shoot-up some sugar

But I’ll resist and keep the bitch

at bay.

Comment in prose

Watch my love for you grow

Give me one last word that rhymes

with “A”

I’m sorry, I can’t get enough of Flashdance. Hopefully you were secretly hoping for an encore too.

 If by chance you stumbled upon this blog for the first time after a google search for “bouncing buns,” well then I bet you are more than disapointed…And I’m a little scared of you. But no reason you can’t enjoy too. 

 I may be just another suberban single mom, but I know how to inspire a leg-warmer revival.  This is the “She’s a Maniac” extended version, get ready to be inspired…

If my buns turn out like Jennifer Beals at the end of this Fat Flush, I’d say its been more than a success- it’s been divine intervention.  I’ll let you know . No videos alla  Jennifer Beal, though. I definitely can’t pull off a black leotard no matter how many days I survive this diet.

I was driving to pick up Lucca this afternoon and I felt high as a kite. Why is the detox making me feel like someone slipped me some really good drugs? Am I enjoying myself? This is wierd. Of course, it is only day 2, day 13 might feel a little different.

With all the new nuts and oils in my diet I am positively giddy. I’ve got that “I can conquer the world” feeling right now. Is it the Fat Flush or is it Flashdance?

Join me on this high! Enjoy some inspiration from the girl’s Rocky:

What are your all-time favorite motivational songs, videos, movies? I want a back stock ready for when come down off this crazy sugar-free buzz.

Here I am with my thick glass of “Long Life Cocktail”- 2 full tablespoons of psyllium husk in 8 oz of cran water. How do people drink this stuff? The label on the container actually warns you about chocking. No joke. Imagine scooping up a fist full of bark dust from the playground and throwing it in a cup of water. Mmmmmm, yum! Thats what I’m drinking.

Day 1 of the Fat Flush Plan almost over. God help me the next 13.

Speaking of psyllium husk, I had a 45 minute conversation today with my Man in Moseley today about poop and farts. Yes, we really must be in love.

Anyways, today was kind of a big day for me.

Not only did I clean house, but I threw out all my old prescriptions today, practically a suitcase full of them.

I’ve wanted this day to come for awhile but for one reason or another, avoided it. Today was the day though- If I was fully committed to turning over a new leaf in life, and serious about this detox shit, I had to release this part of my past.

Most of the prescriptions were expired (long expired, like from ‘03!) but I was holding on to them like a security blanket, or twisted badge of honor. Into the garbage with the dirty diapers and cigarette butts went:

trazadone

hydrocondone

adderall rx

lexapro

topamax

lorazapam

provigil

and

wellbutrin

WOW. Was I ever I nut case, or a perfect example of the over-prescribing going on today in the medical profession.

It felt really good to let go of all that pharmaceutical baggage. And as each one of those little orange bottles was tossed, the memories associated with each of their reason for being in my hand arced across the sky, and I was reminded of just how much I have changed in the past two and half years since finding out I was pregnant.

Motherhood really has saved me from myself. Single Motherhood intensified the saving.

This is the point where this post can become very long, and very personal (and you thought sharing my medicine cabinet with you was personal!) I’m going to hold off. After all, the title of this post is Psyllium Husks=Bark Dust not Psyllium Husks=Dark Soliloquy into the Past.

I will leave you with this, though: if my relatively short time in motherhood has taught me anything it’s the importance of really looking at who you are and who you want to be with honesty, courage and love.

Scary though it may be, we are our children’s first role-models, which means its worth it to try to become real ones of our own. In my opinion, its not about being perfect and really not about projecting a perfect facade. It’s not even about learning how to stomach psyllium husk (though, I am very proud of myself for finishing that glass just now). It is about loving and honoring life enough to dig down deep and make the most of our time here. Which means, knowing when to clear the past out and make room for happier memories.

This is the after party: 2 weeks of the Fat Flash Plan! “The Breakthrough Weight Loss Diet That: Melts fat from his, waist and thighs in just two weeks and reshapes your body while detoxifying your system.”

I’m beginning it tomorrow.

Guess what I get to look forward to?

14 days of protein and vegetables and all the good kinds of oils you never learned about in the food pyramid. No sugar. No flour. No cigarettes. No….oh my god….no alcohol! (No coffee either, technically, but there is noooooooo way that is going work).

Today, I did the planning, the self-pep talk and the Whole Foods shopping.

I’ve had the book since January, read it, got psyched for the return of the pre-baby body, attempted it once, and failed miserably:

I made it a week, felt amazing, and then one pretty little pastry did me in. I thought I was strong enough to handle it and it was just so pretty- pink frosting tempting me like little vixon. One pastry turned to two, turned to twenty. I woke up in a blur of sugar and flour and said, “Where’s the alcohol? F-it! This sucks!”

This time is going to be d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t. I know better now, I can’t cheat, not even a smidgen. And I just spent over a hundred precious buckaroos on all the Fat Flushing necessities and so I’ll be damned if that hard earned cash gets flushed down the toilet. (It will go down the toilet but only through me first!)

I’ve cleared out the pantry of Lucky Charms, Twizzlers and red wine and made room for a glorious shelf of herbal supplements. Here is the starting line up: Black Current Omega-3 GLA; Organic High-Lignan Flaxseed Oil; Super Milk Thistle with Dandelion Root Extract; Psyllium Husk; and Country Life’s Lipotropic Formulation with Vitamin B-6, Choline, L-Carnitine L-Arginine, and a whole bunch of other L-something-or-others.

I’m rrrrrrready! I’m psyched! I already feel 10lbs svelter. (Kinda like feeling like you’ve already worked out when all you’ve done is put on a sports bra and laced your tennis shoes).

The truth is, I love the planning stage– It always feels like I’ve gotten a new lease on life and the sun is shining brighter. It’s days 2-14 that succccck and I wonder what the hell was I ever thinking.

This time though, I’m prepared for that resistance to come up and to mentally breakdown (lack of glucose to the brain will do that).

Here is what I’m planning to do to cope when the inner pissed- off momma wants to raid all of Lucca’s snacks:

• journal, a.k.a. blog– be prepared
• light a candle and stick my finger in the flame
• have a cigarette dammit!
• send a nasty email off to Ann Louise Gittleman, author of the Fat Flush Plan
• curl up in a ball and cry, and ask the gods take care of my son and just let me sleep until I can have my Lucky Charms again
• make crazy-woman vlogs
• pace back and forth and curse like a sailor

Sound like fun?!! Who is with me?

pppppplease some one do this with me.

If you thought motherhood meant forgetting your inner Dance-on-Tables-till-3am-Rockstar, think again. So inspired I am by the ladies of BlogHer Not ‘08! Not only can they blog, they can DRINK!! Mommy Pie, Ms. Farklepants, you are my kind of girls….And Single Working Mommy, you throw an awesome party!

All you single moms out there, come join us! We love new friends to share the bubbly with!

Here is my contribution to the night:

And one more, for you all (because I have been addicted for months)

Get your groove on! Anytime, day or night!

BlogHerNot ‘08: Introduction to the Wild and Wacky World of Vlogging

I love the single momma blogosphere! If you haven’t heard of BlogHerNOT yet, you are about to, because Mommy Pie , is creating quite a movement…. And I’m honored to be a part of the fun, even though I’m absolutely unqualified on the subject matter of my course, video blogging. (There, that is my disclaimer!)

Be sure to check out and enjoy all the other much more qualified instructors of BlogHerNot at MommyPie!

Oh my goodness!

Oh my lord!

Oh my happiness!

Oh my butterflies!

I’m visiting MY MAN IN MOSELY! The finicky gods of Airline Miles Reward Redemption were on my side today! They smiled down upon me (perhaps feeling very sorry for me for the hellatious morning Lucca and I spent at the DMV) and blessed me with a flight to visit my love from across the seas. G.U. he will be no more. Holy Cow. I’LL NOT ONLY BE IN THE SAME TIME-ZONE AS HIM, I WILL BE IN THE SAME ROOM! I’m feeling faint.  Must go lie down.  The swell of excitement inside of me is just too much.

This morning, I woke up and said a little prayer to the Department of Moter Vehicle gods. Lucca and I were going to get my new license today. I had put it off for a few days in hopes that it would show (or perhaps appear in Lucca’s diaper- Hey, digging it out of a pile of poop sounded like a heck of a lot more fun than actually waiting in the ridiculous line to get it replaced).

I was expecting it to be a little frustrating and a little annoying, but I could not in a million years have prepared for the immensity of the folly that awaited me. I obviously quite offended the gods and demigods I was trying to appeal to, and they repaid me with this string of events:

1.  Loaded L into car, drove to DMV. Arrived in parking lot, unloaded L, walked in and pulled a number and “Doh!” realized forget to bring proof of who I am. First, “Are you kidding me?”  Loaded L back into car, returned home.
2.  Unloaded L, Searched room for passport, found passport, grabbed L a snack, loaded L back into car, drove to DMV. Unloaded L, waited 45 minutes in line, got to counter, was told I needed proof of my SS#. They could not re-issue my license without it. Second “Are you kidding me?”
3.  Loaded L back into car, returned home, left L in carseat with snacks, searched room for social security card, praised the powers that be when I actually located SS card. Jumped back into car, drove back up to DMV.
4.  Unloaded L from the car, walked back into DMV, Lucca yelled “We are baa–ack!” Smelled but ignored a suspicious diaper. Third “Are you kidding me?”  I was all out of diapers, I didn’t want it to be true-Please let that aweful smell be from anyone in this room besides my son.  Waited nicely to be called and watched  the clock in nervous anticipation– any moment Lucca was sure to have a break-down.
5. They called me to the counter again. But things did not look good. The attendant was giving me the “we have a small a problem” face.  A discrepency between my full name listed on my SS card and the full name listed on my passport meant that I would have to go sit down again. Fourth, “Are you kidding me?”   I almost began to cry. Lucca began shrieking.
6.  The smell could not be ignored any longer. It was obviously originating from my son’s butt. I took him out to the car and dug in the trunk to find ANYTHING that might serve as a diaper. Found: Size 2 huggies. Better than nothing.
7. 7). Walked back into DMV and continued to wait until name was called to take my picture. Lucca was not happy to be walking back into this place for the 4th time that day. He loudly protested and I could not quiet him. Secretly I hoped that maybe his incessant screaming would help these turtles behind the counter pick up their pace a little. 
8. 8). 20 minutes later…. My name called! The lady taking my picture was not happy. This is never a good thing. If anyone has the power to sabotage your pic on your license it is her. I was doomed.
9. Received temporary card and gasped in horror at my new picture. Fifth and final, “Are you kidding me?” –Unbrushed hair, tension-headache smile, smudged mascara, tight, unflattering cropping (bbbbitch!) . I look like a crazed women about to go postal… or a single mom who just spent 4 hours of her precious morning with her two year old, fully enjoying the DMV.