Long before I ever actually got pregnant, I dreamt of the time in my life when I would spend 9 months in some island paradise with my independently wealthy husband at my beck and call, where I would do nothing but take baths, get massages, drink superfood smoothies and read every single book on parenting every published.
I loved the idea of incubating in a library of motherhood how-to’s. Me and my child were going to be perfect. I was clueless, only 17, and still very much a believer in the possibilities and merits of perfection. (Oh boy, what a decade will teach you).
When I actually became pregnant (not on purpose) and the majority of the 9 months was spent in my parent’s spare bedroom, the picture of pregnancy started to look very different. There was no warm ocean breeze, no masseus, and definitely no husband.
I still tried to resort back to my original plan of learning how to become the best parent possible. I bought several books on the topic, but read them not while sipping celery-garnished V8 through a straw, but instead while scarfing down order after order of Jo-Jo’s.
In those 9 months of pregnancy, I discovered something about parenting books: I can’t stand them. They are so annoyingly pretentious and self-riotious. Am I wrong?
My son is now 2.5 and I can tell you for the past two years we have just been winging it, because I gave up trying to follow orders from a parenting book when I willingly broke the cardinal rule of bottle feeding and gave one to my son each night to help him fall asleep.
This week though, a parenting book entered the house. A friend I met on Twitter sent it to me. It is Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall’s Guide To Pirate Parenting.
With it’s arrival came mixed feelings: I wasn’t a big fan of parenting books but I was a fan of pirates. I decided to give it a chance.
What I love about Pirate Parenting: A Cap’n Billy is never pretentious, only self-riotious in the most charming way. His guide to parenting is humorous, tongue in cheek, and full on pirate.
It’s the Baby-Whisperer, piss drunk on rum.
In honor of Capn’ Billy, I’ve compiled a list of 1e reasons why I love pirates. Don’t miss it, the picture of Johnney Dep I’ve dug-up is worth it alone, and the YouTube video I’ve unearthed is the best 80s flashback you’ll have all day.
Say hi to Cap’n Billy for me and check out his book. Parodies of parenting advice books are so much cooler than serious parenting advice books.
Really, what did you ever learn from any of those?
Filed under: Book Reviews, Uncategorized | Tagged: 80s Pirate Movie, guide to pirate parenting, johnney depp, McSweeney's Pirate Supplies, parenting books suck, why i love pirates
I never cared for parenting books – they never seemed to apply to ME or to my two boys. The one thing that helped me the most? A cross-stitch hanging on an aunt’s living room wall:
Settle down cobwebs
Dust go to sleep
I’m rocking my baby
And babies don’t keep
The only thing I liked about the parenting books that I read was when I was pregnant was seeing the pictures of what my daughter looked like at each stage in utero. Other than that, I agree that they are mostly bullshit and never applied. I’m convinced that pretty much everyone thinks so and those who don’t are lying.
Hey left a few messages on IHSP but no response what’s up with that?
Never read a parenting book and never wanted to.
The mothers that referred to them as if it was the bible irritated me to no end. Can remember being asked in a condescending tone, oh he is using a pacifier? My redneck response was “I am fairly certain he wont be sucking the d#@% thing when he is 16″ . Guess what? He is 20 and never has a pacifier stashed in his pocket!