- No One Messes With My Family
I received an email from J today, after I called him on his threats for custody. Up until yesterday, he has only expressed disregard for his child. Less than one month ago he sent us a notarized letter saying he wished to be relinquished of all parental rights and responsibilities. But, overnight he says he has “changed his mind.”
Three years since Lucca was conceived and the only time J contacted us was to show us his contempt after they started garnishing his wages. He has no heart for my son, his only intention is to harass us as a means to his own ends. Men like this don’t deserve to ever be called “father”. There are so many amazing single dads out there, and I know they would be the first to tell you that what makes a father is not a child support payment. J doesn’t seem to get it:
“I pay child support and I’m the father. I changed my mind. It is my right. “
Are you serious? It’s your right? Children aren’t purchasable the last time I checked.
I know he is ridiculous and like MsSingleMama said, he wouldn’t stand a chance in court. Still, I woke up this morning in a bit of panic. What if I can’t trust the system? What if J manages to manipulate the judge like he’s managed to manipulate everyone else in his life?
Fear is an ugly thing, especially fear over a child, and its making me want to stand up and fight.
I don’t know what pisses me off more– the fact that J is such a coward he would actually seek out a custody hearing to weasel out of child care payments, or the fact that for one minute I am scared and worried about Lucca.
Never make a momma worry about her cub, or be prepared for the consequences.
Who does J think he is? Doesn’t he know that nothing comes between a momma and her son?– (Especially when an entire community of single parents cross the blogosphere has her back. I’m so grateful for all you guys showing your support, giving me advice, keeping us in your prayers.Thank you).
What should I do? Should I respond to his last email or just wait for the paper work and keep God close in prayer? Your comments comfort and guide me.
Filed under: Custody Issues + Advice, Uncategorized | Tagged: absent father wants custody, custody battle, dead beat dad, single parents
My ex does stuff like this, and it’s only with the intention of making me irritated. It’s best to not respond, because if you do, you’re only giving him what he wants.
You’re in my prayers, and I do know how horrible this must feel for you. ((HUGS))
If this were me I would do a quick courthouse wedding and have Kentucky Man adopt Lucca NOW. You can do your ceremony later. You can make it work without the child support (as much as that will suck).
Right now, you have a notarized letter, the only thing you need from him to allow Mr. Kentucky to adopt him. No sense taking a chance with the courts – you never know if you’ll end up with a bleeding heart judge who just dealt with his own custody issues and is overly sympathetic to ANY dad – no matter how invisible he’s been thus far.
Your new little family is the most important thing right now. Screw this ex and whatever mind games he is trying to play with you. You can figure out how to make it work without the child support payments.
I wish you all the best in this situation……we’ve all been there in some form or another
I wouldn’t respond either. Make him sweat it out. Ignore him and keep track of what he does.
And know that we’re behind you all the way! (if only in spirit)
I may take a legal opinion here, just to check if a no reply can’t be thrown back in your face later. You know, like, the ‘I tried to make contact’ crap, which will precede the, well if she won’t give me access why should I pay nonsense argument.
It may be that a formal like response, detailing his lack of contact and general interest until this point, and that evidence of positive intent would have to be provided by the barrel load before even moving such a request forward. That action may convince him that you’re at least one step ahead of his crap, and his tactic to kick the support won’t work.
Definite hugs, and kudos to you on this brave new world you’re venturing into. Don’t be afraid. (drag out Philippians 4:6-7 for inspiration…)
He’s counting on you to become unglued, I’ll bet.
My ex pulled this legal fight thing a while back (granted, he is involved in his daughter’s life…he just wanted more custody than I was remotely willing to offer)…he ended up suing me and, turns out, it backfired miserably on him.
As it turns out, I tend to COUNTERsue when sued. Definitely something to consider.
You’ve got full advantage on this one. Be brave, and pray. You’ll be fine. It will all work out great.
Best to your family!
J-Fo
Stay strong as you are, don’t respond with anything that he can use against you (sometimes we say things in anger and hurt that we should’nt say, not that you do or would just a reminder). The chances of him getting any visitation at all are so so so slim and none. Does he want to travel to Kentucky for his vistation? I seriously doubt that. I would respond with a simple response though so he can never use that against you. You and Luca are in my thoughts and prayers.
Ignore and do not do ANYTHING without first consulting a lawyer. Call the local state bar for recommendations. If you can hold out 30 days (or longer – check the local residency requirements), he will have to file for custody in KY. Unlikely he will want to file there and travel to/from. (((HUGS))) What a jackass.
On another note, how’re the boobs doing?
I’m on board with both T and SingleParentDad here…which is odd since they have differing opinions.
I agree with T in that you should make him sweat. The guy deserves NOTHING at this point. He has brought this all on himself.
But I also agree with SPD in that he could always come back and say that he attempted to contact you, but you ignored him. A judge might…just might…consider that if it ever got that far.
Just stay strong and stay on the current path you’re on. Let him know that you’re seeking legal advice of your own and things will move on from there.
If he’s all upset about having his wages garnished, think of how upset he’ll be at his legal fees when attempting to get child custody.
Your loyal internets have your back!
He doesn’t stand a chance…. for sure. But call a lawyer anyway. Just to be on the safe side.
Listen to PT Law Mom. She’s a smart cookie.
I am so, so sorry this is happening. I can absolutely relate to the fear. What a jerk off. You stay strong, doll.
I have been through this same situation a few times with my ex. Most recently after I remarried. I believe he was panicking about the change in his daughters’ lives. Anyway, many threats lead to papers being filed in court twice and both times the situation eventually went away because he became unwilling to keep pouring money into the lawsuit.
So don’t panic until he files, and if he does, you’ll get through it. I know it feels really scary! I was terrified both times, but I got through it. Now the situation with him couldn’t be better.
In the mean time, find a good lawyer and explore your options. You’ll be prepared and feel more confident.
You’ll get through it!
I agree that you probably shouldn’t respond to him without getting legal advice first. Just in case. I doubt he’ll ever follow through, if he hasn’t cared for all this time, but make sure the law is on your side.
Hope it all works out for you. I can only imagine how stressed I would be.
I’ve been this route and felt the stress of it one to many times. I learned to document everything and leave it in the hands of a capable lawyer.
I don’t like people messing with the roots I plant on behalf of my children and neither do judges.
If you awake at night and the pillow is sweaty, turn it over and go back to sleep. Dream of sweet things.
i 100% completely agree with angie. i have been thru it. my daughters father wanted nothing to do with her for her first 3 years. then for the next 6 we were back and forth in court. he sent her back to me dec 07 and hasnt seen her but once. take that notorized letter to the court and start the adoption proceedings now! court sucks a$$… do everything possible to avoid it… it will only hurt your son in the long run. good luck!!
A friend of mine has gone through similar shit (for want of a better word – no there isn’t one) and she doesn’t speak to him at all now. Everything is through the lawyers. Don’t give him the satisfaction of speaking to him at all. I gather you don’t have a lawyer from comments above – get one. Fingers crossed.
I’m not sure if he has ever seen your son as I haven’t read your blog brfore today but if he hasn’t seen him (or hasn’t seen him for more than a year) I’m pretty sure you can file to have his rights terminated due to abandonment… something to look into anyway.
My winner ex decided tp try to get increased custody and visitation all while facing a felony burglary charge…no joke..and I’m worried about the system failing my four kids. I know it;s frightening!
Un-freaking-believable that this man suddenly wants to be a part of Lucca’s life and received the Father of the Year Award. Don’t let this get you down on your new journey, people will always try to find a way to stop you from doing what you want.
This is just agony and I’m so sorry you’re having to endure it.
My head, heart and emotions are swimming for you.
I did go to a custody hearing in December with a friend of mine and I was very pleasantly surprised…family law judges see right through the garbage of manipulative vacant dads and put them right in their place. At least this judge did. I think there are so many dead beat dads that try to manipulate their way through the system; the judges have their number and really have no sympathy for their garbage stories. You have the evidence. A judge in his right mind would not accept a ‘changed mind’ about a child when a month previously he signed away his rights to that child. A child is not a bartering tool and a judge’s job is to ensure the best interest of the child. This dad, is not in the best interest of Lucca. This dad has proven his point. In writing. Repeatedly.
I would take all this evidence to court and start the adoption process. Let them know that this is happening with J. Find out if there is any recourse, since he’d already waived his rights. Don’t wait for anything more from this J fella. Get his new daddy on board. And then send J that paperwork.
Fight for Lucca; not against J.
Hugs and prayers.
Make sure you print out the full emails including headers, if you use gmail, show original, and print. This will prover that the emails he sent really came from him, no dispute, as well as the certified letter stating he wanted to terminate contact.
Make sure that uou can prove in some way, eiher through emails or itwness testimony if a judge schedules a 2nd hearing to hear testimony, that he really did say he wanted noting to do with “IT”.
But honestly, you have NOTHING at al to worry about.
You provide4 a far more stable home, you are planning to marry, that man wants to adopt, you are gonne be ok, just hang tight mama.
Yes, do remember there are low cost or free legal services often available. I’d definitely consult someone, if you can.
If you do get an attorney, you might also think about just replying to his email with a “All further contact can take place through my attorney,” or something along those lines. This can give him an avenue to contact you, but then you could ignore his correspondence from that point. It sounds like his aim is only to harass you and make you miserable. It seems that he’s just trying to scare you, making you think, “I don’t want this jerk around my son! I am just going to give up the child support.” What a complete a-hole.
Does he have the resources to get an attorney?
Don’t respond until you talk to a lawyer. Even if its just a consultation, they will probably tell you if responding is a good idea or not.
My heart is seriously breaking for you. This is almost identical to what I’ve been through. Like I said on your other post, he resurfaced when she was 4 yrs old and we’ve been in court for 2 years over this.
You’ve got my email address and I’m on IHSP and on Twitter too so even though you don’t know me from a hole in the wall, feel free to just grab me online somewhere if you need anything.
(P.S. Be careful about what you post on your blog and on Twitter too. I’m a former Paralegal and I can tell you from experience working with divorce lawyers, they’ll look for that kind of stuff. We had a client whose soon to be ex had a bunch of stuff on his MySpace page and by the time he realized it and made his profile private, we’d already taken screen shots and printed stuff off.)
Morgan,
Ever since you posted this in the first post, I have searched and searched my heart for words that would reach out and wrap their arms around you, but alas there are no words to even remotely give you the strength you feel you are lacking. (Though…ALL of us know you are strong and will make it through this)
I have no idea how to approach this for you, but the advice from H…if you can get an attorney via public assistance or some other way..do it and tell him that he needs to contact them instead. I can’t help but think his threats are empty..and I have a feeling they are. Especially if he starts talking to an attorney and realize that he will have to pay child support AND legal fees during a huge long process.
This man is obviously from the bowls of the scum of the earth, and no judge in their right mind would do this. You are a great mom..and for a father to get custody, is hard(though many fathers we know are better than the mothers..but still)…much less a father who has never even wanted any time with his beautiful son.
So please know…my arms are reaching to KY right now and giving you and Lucca a big hug.(It’s even easier now..since you are so much closer).
Keep your head up, and know that I am thinking of you.
Sounds to me like he doesn’t have a chance in hell. But it’s still good to cover your bases and keep your wits about you – I’d say don’t respond until you’ve contacted a lawyer.
You’re a good mom – hug that knowledge close to you. Lucca is very lucky to have you…
1st to any who think child support is important CAREFULLY weigh the “cost” as it does give those who should NOT have them rights. since you’ve already gotten it you have to deal with that now.
I hope you kept his letter saying he wanted to relinquish. please please please!? please sit down and make a written record of every contact he has had with his child. please write down every time you have offered and he has not exercised that right. make a record of all the important dates that have passed with no contact, no present or card. has any of his family been involved? that does not make up for his failure but he may claim he had no idea as to how to contact you but if they were in touch then he has less chance of claiming that.
if he sends you anything more like that KEEP IT. you need all of that to protect yourself and make sure the court knows he has no interest in showing “the natural affection of a parent” term of art – remember it and use it. yes, the little bit of money helps but decide is it worth it? here in utah after 6 months of no contact, no money – it is abandonment. you will need to look at the laws of the state that paternity is established in. that’s the easiest way to terminate his rights, unless he voluntarily relinquishes. your new beau cannot adopt until this man’s rights are terminated.
you also want to look at the kidnapping statutes. not to freak you out and I KNOW you didn’t kidnap your son but people are freaks and he may threaten you with that – in utah you CANNOT threaten someone with kidnapping in a civil action so keep that in mind – its a misdemeanor if they do.
if you can record all calls, keep all emails. you are protecting you and your son.
I’m very lucky. I am a child welfare attorney. and the state of Utah does not require a man to be on the birth certificate. they will only require info if you get medicaid which I haven’t had to do. his father has never seen him and may never – refers to him as “the child” well did till I told him to cut it out.
I would not respond. I would not get into anything with him. I would circle the wagons – gather the info I suggested and just live your life. see if you can stop the funds (no its not fair and it sucks but its worth it) and that will give you easier grounds to terminate when that comes. good luck, email me if you have questions though I can’t really give you legal advice all of the above is NOT legal advice, k?
oh and him writing a letter (depending on the statute) is not sufficient for him to terminate his rights. here in utah it HAS to be done in front of a Judge. we had people from out of state HAD to travel here to sign it in front of the judge could not be accepted otherwise so make sure it is all legit so there are no issues in the future. I’m presuming you know its not legit or you still wouldn’t be collecting child support.
I went through this exact situation, and he was not given custody, just visitation rights. He does not exercise his rights often, and uses it as a way to harass me about paying child support. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Write EVERYTHING down and let the judge know his true intentions. Unfortunately, judges almost always give some rights to the father, only because they think the child has a “right” to his father, even if it does more harm than good. Good luck – I’m in the same boat.
What an a—— He can’t possibly want custody…It’s just a threat, he doesn’t want to pay child support and this is his revenge! Wait until he has to start coughing up cash…it won’t last….Hang in there and pray, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Judges didn’t become judges because of their overwhelming stupidity. More, any lawyer at all would caution J against trying to manipulate the courts, lest it backfire horribly.
The message I got from my lawyer was this: there has to be a compelling reason to change the status quo, or judges will look at a quest for custody as something bordering on frivolous. Odds are good that he’ll be allowed some parental time, but full custody (or even joint custody)? Not on your life.
A notarized letter indicating his wish to be absolved of parental rights just one month ago is not going to impress or amuse any judge. Keep a paper trail, communicate with J via e-mail wherever and whenever possible (avoid the phone), and send pertinent case-building e-mails to your lawyer.
My ex made a lot of threats at the outset of our marriage demise, including suing for full custody. He was quickly disabused of his delusions of grandeur by his lawyer, and the judge.
It’s amazing how even the biggest asshole looks like a shriveled behind when placed in front of a court. They think it’s all Law and Order, but in reality, it’s a scary place, and I can’t imagine anyone feeling in control in that scenario. He will not be able to grandstand or manipulate.
Don’t let him worry you.
I am so sorry you are going thru this.
I totally agree with wyliekat-no judge will take a boy like him seriously.
Stay strong and remember that you have ALLOT of people pulling for you!
Hug
You know what? I just want to go over there and beat the crap out of him. I just want to kick him and step on his you-know-what until he promises to stop his cruelty and beg for mercy. He makes me so mad that if I could punch him in the face right now, I would feel good about it for the next ten years.
::breathes::
I would suggest that you simply resist your natural impuse to respond. Anything you write down in paper can be used against you, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.
On that note, just try to find focus on other more positive things.
[...] the moment there is nothing wrong, I can’t even hear the bark of that ridiculous man shouting his threats of a custody [...]
My husband and I have custody of his daughter and her bio-mom does stuff like that all the time! Annoying as it is, if I were you I would just leave it alone and wait for the papers. He will never follow through as most absent parents make empty treats!
Good Luck!
leave it to the lawyers. It helped me not stress as much, to know I wasnt required to talk to my ex when he was doing the same during our divorce. He’d call and harrass me and I would respond “if you want to talk about how the girls are doing, I’ll talk to you, but not about this, call my lawyer.” Your situation is different, you don’t even have to talk to him about that. Trust your lawyer if you have a good one. You should be fine. And you smart lady to save all of those emails and letters!!
[...] we are forgetting the villains of life and going out on a date. Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Man in Moseley Needs New [...]
[...] I save that for the real experts to deal with, and focus on other drama like booby surgery and custody battles). Always good to remind each other of a few bedtime techniques. Because a sleeping baby, is a happy [...]
Hi, I met my partner and soon became daddy to a lovely little girl who has no recollection of her biological father. We now have another precious little girl and a perfect family. This is about to be ripped apart now this guy has decided after never paying to support her wants contact. Why do we have to rip apart this little girls world? HOW CAN WE STOP HIM???
[...] A firestorm of advice ensued on this blog.(Thank you so much for your support and help). I realized, though, how unprepared I was when it came to dealing with serious legal matters. [...]
It is wrong to bad mouth your child’s father on a public forum. This will come around and really hurt your kid. You have no right to post such personal fodder and you are only thinking of yourself. It is not a mother’s worst nightmare when the child’s biological father wants to man up and DO THE RIGHT THING. Lastly, you post random commentary from a lawyer with no regard for the fact that laws are different in every state. You son deserves to know his daddy and dad, whether he made a mistake in the past deserves to know his child. Enuf with the mommy bloggers.
I have the same sort of situation. Get ready to fight and know all the laws of the state you have to enter that he lives in. Do not take your child if at all possible. Stop the emailing it will only bring trouble! Anything you say bad to him is bad against you. I bet his mother or someone else has fueled his fire to get him started. Let him keep talking the talk. Out of site is out of mind. You have someone else now as do I. Share your life and your child with that person. You are the only parent he is a deadbeat. I have never even got child support from my sons sperm donor. I refuse to call him a father. Be strong and watch your language choices like no other. I was blind sided they had people they knew in the system that worked against me. I was tipped off by one of their co workers at court. Before I was forced to live in that state because of shared custody.. I left. I get crazy phone calls here and there. But Im happy and my son is safe and if there comes a day when my sons wants to know the sperm donor he can.
[...] Absent Father Now Wants Custody [...]
I’ve been in this exact same situation. I understand the pain, anger, frustration, hurt, and feeling of emptiness. My son’s father has been in and out of our son’s life for four years. A couple of months ago he decided he wanted custody. He made up every lie he could think of to make me look like some crazy woman! The judge saw right through it…Just be the best mom you can be, don’t be spiteful, and be willing to communicate! Do not say anything negative about him that he can use in court. Keep God first, pray, and everything will work out for the best….Good luck honey and God bless you and your child!!!!
[...] is a little bit of drama going on in my [...]
I think that him doing this to your son is selfish. I think that just because he is paying child support he would have a right to the child, IF he had been involved from the start. But seeing as how he never had an involvement with your son he can go to hell. If it ever go to the point of court over the situation, definetly make sure that the court has a chance to see the e-mails that he sent you referring to “it” that he now wants custody of. good luck and God bless you, I hope you prevail…
[...] started threatening a custody battle out of the blue, I didn’t know what to do. It was a drama out of left field (never expected it) and it was a nightmare. But, you guys were there with me and [...]
[...] all fairy tales have a villain and in this one, like in so many others I know, the villain is the absent father we call J. [...]
WOW! I am a newbie, but this hit home for me as I too had my exhusband try to gain custody over my 2 son’s and he was $20,000 in the arears!
We were at a childsupport hearing to have his support lowered since he was no longer employed. I understood lowering the $800.00 did I agree with it? HELL NO! But what was I to do at that point I was not getting anything at all!
So as I am sitting there I hear the Baliff call my name out and he tells me “you have been served” I was shaking and scared to death I couldn’t imagine what I was being sued for! The Baliff could tell I was frightened as I asked him what is this for? So he took me into a room and read it to me. I started laughing histerically out loud and told him is he crazy or what the man owes me $20,000.00 in back child support what judge would allow him custody! hahaha not to mention he lives at home with his mother and my son’s would not even have their own rooms!
So the nightmare began I walked out to him and in front of everyone in the hall (and it was crowded to) I took the papers and threw them at him and said “this is the funniest think I have ever heard of” “you owe me $20,000 in childsupport and don’t have a job and live at home with your mother!” By this time everything is a blurr as my adrenaline was so high I was probably spitting in his face as I was spouting all of this out. Which was exactly what he wanted was to push my buttons! It cost me over $5,000.00 and I of course have the boys and he has to pay the bare minimum amount of childsupport $350.00 a month for 2 kids, about $100.00 goes towards that $20,000. I utterly despise a man I once loved for over 12 yrs. I was such a wreck the whole time worrying that I would loose my kids even though I knew he had no chance. It was just the thought of someone trying to take them away from me that ate me up. My son’s flat out told him they did not want to live with him and they wanted to live with me Thank GOD!
I know that it will work out for you as it did somewhat for me I still feel I got ripped off on the money part but I don’t care no one will ever take my son’s from me!
[...] all fairy tales have a villain and in this one, like in so many others I know, the villain is the absent father we call J. [...]
[...] A firestorm of advice ensued on this blog.(Thank you so much for your support and help). I realized, though, how unprepared I was when it came to dealing with serious legal matters. [...]
I am in the same boat. My daughter is 3 and her biological decided that he wanted custody after he was served for child support. He never attempted to see her, but now threatens and demands to see her unsupervised. He filed for custody in January but has been unable to serve me. He paid child support twice and I feel like applying for child support was the biggest mistake of life. I understand what you are going through. I have no idea how long this drama will go on.