I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Nelson Mandela
Are you seriously trying this at home?
I did it. I Brazilian-waxed myself.
I took J-Fo’s advice and skipped the alcohol prior to the waxing.
I’m drinking now, though. LOTS.
While I’m satisfied with “my work,” (attempt- after- attempt- after- bubbling-hot-waxy-attempt… its sucks to be a perfectionist) I am entirely blown away by the lack of direction and helpful tips provided in the box.
I picked up Sally Hanson’s “Brazilian Bikini Waxing & Shaping Kit” for $9 and some change at my local Wallgreens, right next to the “Firewalking Kit”. Just kidding. There was no Firewalking Kit, but there might as well should be. I mean, lets be honest, are these two activities really that different? If anything, Brazilian waxing at home is much more dangerous and painful than walking on barbecued coals in your backyard. How sensitive is your hoo-ha compared to your heel? Yeah. You get my point.
So, Sally’s “Exclusive Brazilian Formula” Kit sets you up for the torture of your life in only three steps. Here you go:
1). Microwave wax- DO NOT OVERHEAT
2). Apply wax- WORK IN SMALL AREAS
3). Remove wax- PULL VERY QUICKLY
What Sally doesn’t tell you is this:
a). You need to be an elite gymnast, a seasoned Yoga practitioner, or double-jointed, to confidently see what you are doing to your undercarriage. The plastic mirror provided does not bestow confidence or guarantee accuracy.
b). It is advised you listen to the entire audio book of Tony Robbins “Awaken the Giant Within” twice prior to heating the wax.
c). It is recommended you ask your church, your friends, and/or your family to pray for you, and for the safe keeping of your vagina.
Remember when you were in labor and you would get to the top of a contraction and you would want to punch someone in the face? And then, mercy, the ebb started to flow and the pain didn’t hurt so bad. You could breathe again. For a second you could even relax, smile even. Then, you felt so much joy that it was over anger and fear that it was just beginning again you wanted to punch yourself in the face…
happy times. good memories.
Well, waxing is kinda the same thing. You get one good strip done and suffer madly for it, but before you can celebrate your feat, the reality sets in that you have to suffer it again…and again…and again…and…holy f*ck! its not over yet?
In these moments, be your aim birthing a child or waxing the smoothest coochie, you got to just power through it. Remember these words by Mr. Shakespeare:
Boldness, be my friend.
I’m glad I had my bible, my Blackberry and my glass of wine, close at hand.
Next time I’ll also make sure I have better lighting…and a wooden spoon to bite on.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: at-home waxing, bikini wax kit, brazilian wax, prayer
omg this is so funny -and true
This post is freakin’ hilarious, girl. I’m cryin’ over here!!!
You poor thing….
Still, I’m sure MIK appreciates all your diligence.
Hahhaha! This is hilarious!! I love your blog so much! I love the Nelson Mandela quote at the beginning, classic!!
Funny, funny post. I snorted while laughing.
But wow, sounds painful!
[...] 4 with her beautiful godfathers. And I’ll sing the praises of those who post about dating and brazilians with grace and candor. But will it ever be [...]
I’m so proud of you…..it is worth the $’s to see a professional first. Because after a few times the hair is finer and thiner, which makes self waxing so much easier. Avoid strips and go for the hard wax for much less pain.
After years of brazilians, my secret is to tweeze every few days for a perfect smooth finish.
Just my few cents worth. I love your blogs and think that you are too funny. Would love to have drinks with you.
Patti
Hardcore. I laughed at the “Firewalking” line too
[...] is on a plane to see her Man in Moseley (now Kentucky) – went so far as to skip a salon wax for an at home Brazilian. [...]
[...] is on a plane to see her Man in Moseley (now Kentucky) – went so far as to skip a salon wax for an at home Brazilian. [...]
Funny you should mention Brazilians and childbirth in the same post. I have experienced both, in that order, and I found the latter to be a more comfortable experience.
Oh, I hope he appreciates the sacrifice you endured!!!!! Hilarious post, mama
Riotous!!
[...] Mr. Man and I are headed down to Kan-Tuck-Ee (I love saying it like that) to visit Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma or, as I like to call her, my soul [...]
wtf!? why are women obsessively janking all of the hair off of their private parts? why does your cootchie have to be smooth? i don’t get it! really.
Haha this was funny, glad i found your website. take care single mum from stockholm
[...] Mr. Man and I are headed down to Kan-Tuck-Ee (I love saying it like that) to visit Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma or, as I like to call her, my soul [...]
I can’t even tell you how hard I am laughing right now reading this…one of these days I’ll have to tell you about my sister’s personal experience with this in a salon…absolutely priceless and has put such fear in me that I’m confident labor hurt less…
[...] though it is Christmas Eve, I made time in between sips of eggnog to do the ungodly again– a brazillian wax at home. This time I realized how fully insane anyone who dares this really is. In the words of the yanky [...]