I know a lot of single dad’s that are the farthest thing from dead beats. So this post is DEFINITELY NOT about attacking baby daddys. Thru my experience on iHeart, I have had the chance to meet so many exceptional fathers whose story and dedication to their children would make any single parent proud…. Which makes this recent experience tonight with my own baby’s daddy particularly shocking.
It’s been so long since I have had any interaction at all with Lucca’s father that I almost believed I was one of the lucky ones that wouldn’t have to deal with Dead Beat Dad Drama.
But tonight I checked an old email account I don’t use regularly anymore and saw an email from J– Lucca’s father– who now lives in Vegas and has recently been forced to start paying some child support.
This is what he wrote us from his “rollin_tha_dice” yahoo account:
I WANT THAT KID OUT OF MY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP STEALING MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After being seriously confused/caught off guard and stunned I decided (foolishly perhaps?) to write him back. I replied:
He doesn’t have your name, Jeff.
What you give every month is $440, and that doesn’t even cover half of childcare, just so you know. I’m sorry you feel so frustrated.
You really are missing the bigger picture of things…. you have an amazing son. I’m thankful I get to be in his life like I do, it’s an honor to be his mom.
I wish you the best
The truth is, I felt in my heart he would eventually contact us. But I thought it would be more like 10 years from now and along the lines of “I can’t believe I missed out on knowing my son.” Instead, he is more of a loser than I even imagined. I’ve heard through the grape-vine that J has some swanky and shady job at some Las Vegas nightclub and he drives a hummer, making a shameful amount of money underneath the table. Yet, he is very upset about the state garnishing his wages the minimum amount? (I guess he doesn’t like anything cutting into his drugs/gambling/girls budget). He replied to my email from his iPhone (obviously hurting for cash)..
THAT IS NOT MY SON AND YOU ARE A THIEF!!! YOURE THE ONE MISSING THE PICTURE!!!!! YOU HAD THAT KID YOU PRPVIDE FOR HIM!!!!!! STOP FREELOADING OFF ME!!!!!
This is one of the most ridiculous emails I’ve ever gotten. For one, paternity tests proved Lucca is his DNA and I’d hardly call the few hundred dollars he is forced to give us in child-support, “free-loading.” Why, then, am I even remotely bothered by this?
I cut my ties with Lucca’s father while I was still pregnant. It’s been more than two years since any correspondence. So much has changed/shifted/evolved in me since the time in my life when I was with J that it is ridiculous to even be writing about him and this… I have embraced my life as a single mother and feel joy and gratitude for my life every day. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not in a place any longer to entertain threatening emails or to be beat up emotionally by a manipulative man, so what the hell?
Rarely do I stoop to vent, but tonight I just got to. (I’m reading Eckart Tolle, The NEW Earth, and i know its just my “pain body” sounding off, but so be it. “Pain Body”, you got free reign, go for it.) J doesn’t deserve the attention or the energy I’m giving him right now. I regret the power I’ve given him in the past and I wont give in to him again….This goes much deeper than him though. Its about the honor due to my son.
I’m upset for the reason all single moms with dead-beat dads in their life are upset. OUR SONS and DAUGHTERS DESERVE BETTER. Its not about the measley amount of money they throw at us to cover diapers/health insurance/childcare. Our children do not deserve to be called some “kid,” and the fact that they weren’t aborted shouldn’t give anybody a reason to gripe or complain about their life.
Was I wrong in even responding to J excessively exclamated and capitaled-lettered email? What should I have done, if anything? What was he wanting to gain by emailing me his anger and frustration?
Most of the time I am a strong, self-assured single momma, but tonight, I need to rally some support to give me the strength to put J’s emails in their proper place, perhaps the TRASH bin of my computer.
Filed under: single-motherhood, support | Tagged: child support issues, dead beat dad, dead-beat father, drama single mom
God – those e-mail snippets just hit my stomach like a ton of bricks. I just want to cry for a # of reasons.
1. A man is missing out on the most beautiful thing us humans can experience – parenthood.
2. And, the way he is speaking to you – like you’re a money grubbing horror.
3. And above all for Lucca – that his father would even say that about him.
4. And for you, and the pain that must cause you.
He should be shot. Sorry, I had to say it. The FBI can come and arrest me – but he should be. Either that or severely tortured.
You responded very calmly and maturely. Bravo. You get my praise for this.
As Ms. Single Mama said, it’s so hard to read his angry CAPS — as an outsider. Ouch, that man is really hurting.
Print out the emails and save them in a file — you might need them one day.
I just want to say that Lucca is so blessed to have you.
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I’m right with you, lady. My ex’s total neglect of his most amazing son frankly baffles me. I wish he would drop off the face of the earth and just leave this little boy alone. He hasn’t called the kid in a month, hasn’t paid child support (like you, I’m getting $400, not half the cost of summer camp per month…) in six months, and yet can find the money to fly halfway around the world to surprise–and upset–the kid on his birthday.
WTF?
It took two weeks to get the King of Everything to settle down after his father descended upon him, threw a couple of gifts at him, watched movies every night, and disappeared again. Dis.A.Peared. When I wrote to the ex’s mother, she didn’t say a word to me… but the ex called to yell at me for telling his mother he’s not paying child support.
Oh. Wait. Sorry, I’m off on my own rant! D’oh!
Swallow the pain and the bewilderment, cast it out in a big, cleansing breath, do what you have to but don’t let that man get to you. It’s his loss.
Thank you so much Alaina and Sara…I know i shouldn’t let it get to me, but along with the dreary weather here in Portland, it has made for a rough couple of days! But being reminded what a jack-ass J is makes me feel better.
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Hang in there and count your blessings that such a person isn’t directly in your childs life and asking for visitation, just to spite you. I’ve been on my own since I was three months pregnant, and don’t regret it for a second. There are positive male role models in our live for our sons and daughters that aren’t tied to them through biology.
From the sounds of it, you are one amazing mother and a very level headed and intelligent woman. Good for you for keeping your wits and being courteous upon responding (even though we all know he clearly didn’t deserve it).
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from having to deal with my X ( for 7 years now……….. oi! ), is that I shouldn’t waste my breath, my effort, my anything because that’s just what it is most of the time, a waste. Then I get a frustrated and annoyed and grrrrrrr…and he could pretty much care less and does nothing to change it…but I digress, and this is supposed to be about you..not me! LOL!!
Good for you! Stand tall, be proud and know that you have a support system of single moms behind you all the way!